Re entering

I'm re-entering. Time to begin another walk on this pathway of life. I've been having lots of trouble maintaining focus, with both the optifast and life in general.
It seems all my energy the past few months has been directed at JD and his drinking. Things got out of control fast-- that's part of the disease, isn't it- being out of control? Seems to be that way for the both the alcoholic and those living with them.

Last weekend, I was at a conference here in town. JD heard me talking about it, it was posted on the calendar for weeks, etc. On Friday night, he came into my office several times as I was preparing for the workshop I was presenting on Saturday afternoon. We spoke about what time my workshop was, and that I was meeting a friend there mid morning. He had been drinking during the evening, so I was not interested in engaging him in deep discussion.

Saturday morning, I left the house at 8:30, heading for my 9 am optifast appointment (same time, every Saturday for months) and then dowtown for the conference. I left a note on the kitchen table, saying I would call later. I called home several times during the day and got no answer. When I got home at 5:30, there was a note from JD 'gone to the Fairfield Inn-- I'm all right, don't worry'. When I called him there, he was obviously drunk, and said the 'problem' was that when he woke up, I wasn't there. So he left. At 7:30 that evening, he called and said he was finishing a pizza and then would be home in about an hour-- would I be there? I asked if he was sober, and he said yes- so I said I'd be here. He didn't come home all night. I resigned myself to the fact that he might be dead by morning. Terrible thing to come to grips with.

I also resolved not to call him. If he was going off on a drinking binge, I'd rather he not be home-- don't want to be around him when he's drunk.

It seems to me that the best thing I can do at this point is to approach this as a spiritual lesson for me to learn-- what spiritual discipline can I fashion from this experience? The answer, for now, is to use this as an opportunity to learn how to detach, to let go of anger that would eventually consume me. I simply cannot go through life in a state of rage. I need to learn how to 'surf' these waves, and not let someone else's emotional chaos turn my life into turmoil-- how to not get my buttons pushed. It's a hard lesson- and I will be learning it again and again, I think, until something clicks.

So, on to resuming the fast, and taking care of myself.