It's been a while since I've posted. Life has settled into a new rhythm, and so far, so good. I met with the dietician and discussed the problems I've been having getting back into full fasting mode.
We decided together that perhaps full fast was not right for me, at this time. So, I have a new plan. That's what life is all about isn't it-- changing plans?
So, for now, my plan is this: 3-4 Optifast shakes during the day, and for an evening meal, I get this balanced food plan:
1-2 cups raw vegetables (salad, or mixed raw veggies)
6-8 oz protein-- I know, that's a lot- but protein contributes greatly to satiety
1-2 c cooked vegetable
1 starch serving (1/2 potato, rice, or bread)
1 fruit serving (1 c)
1 c non fat milk
1 fat exchange
This is a lot of food, friends! But-- I'm losing weight on this plan! 2 pounds the first week, and 3 1/2 pounds the second. And, I'm happier! No more stress and guilt about not staying on full liquids.
I'm learning as well, to let go of the anger about JD's drinking. He continues to drink, and I let him know that I know about it, but I can feel the change in my response. I don't get that 'tight guts', racing pulse feeling anymore. And that's the blessing.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Re entering
I'm re-entering. Time to begin another walk on this pathway of life. I've been having lots of trouble maintaining focus, with both the optifast and life in general.
It seems all my energy the past few months has been directed at JD and his drinking. Things got out of control fast-- that's part of the disease, isn't it- being out of control? Seems to be that way for the both the alcoholic and those living with them.
Last weekend, I was at a conference here in town. JD heard me talking about it, it was posted on the calendar for weeks, etc. On Friday night, he came into my office several times as I was preparing for the workshop I was presenting on Saturday afternoon. We spoke about what time my workshop was, and that I was meeting a friend there mid morning. He had been drinking during the evening, so I was not interested in engaging him in deep discussion.
Saturday morning, I left the house at 8:30, heading for my 9 am optifast appointment (same time, every Saturday for months) and then dowtown for the conference. I left a note on the kitchen table, saying I would call later. I called home several times during the day and got no answer. When I got home at 5:30, there was a note from JD 'gone to the Fairfield Inn-- I'm all right, don't worry'. When I called him there, he was obviously drunk, and said the 'problem' was that when he woke up, I wasn't there. So he left. At 7:30 that evening, he called and said he was finishing a pizza and then would be home in about an hour-- would I be there? I asked if he was sober, and he said yes- so I said I'd be here. He didn't come home all night. I resigned myself to the fact that he might be dead by morning. Terrible thing to come to grips with.
I also resolved not to call him. If he was going off on a drinking binge, I'd rather he not be home-- don't want to be around him when he's drunk.
It seems to me that the best thing I can do at this point is to approach this as a spiritual lesson for me to learn-- what spiritual discipline can I fashion from this experience? The answer, for now, is to use this as an opportunity to learn how to detach, to let go of anger that would eventually consume me. I simply cannot go through life in a state of rage. I need to learn how to 'surf' these waves, and not let someone else's emotional chaos turn my life into turmoil-- how to not get my buttons pushed. It's a hard lesson- and I will be learning it again and again, I think, until something clicks.
So, on to resuming the fast, and taking care of myself.
It seems all my energy the past few months has been directed at JD and his drinking. Things got out of control fast-- that's part of the disease, isn't it- being out of control? Seems to be that way for the both the alcoholic and those living with them.
Last weekend, I was at a conference here in town. JD heard me talking about it, it was posted on the calendar for weeks, etc. On Friday night, he came into my office several times as I was preparing for the workshop I was presenting on Saturday afternoon. We spoke about what time my workshop was, and that I was meeting a friend there mid morning. He had been drinking during the evening, so I was not interested in engaging him in deep discussion.
Saturday morning, I left the house at 8:30, heading for my 9 am optifast appointment (same time, every Saturday for months) and then dowtown for the conference. I left a note on the kitchen table, saying I would call later. I called home several times during the day and got no answer. When I got home at 5:30, there was a note from JD 'gone to the Fairfield Inn-- I'm all right, don't worry'. When I called him there, he was obviously drunk, and said the 'problem' was that when he woke up, I wasn't there. So he left. At 7:30 that evening, he called and said he was finishing a pizza and then would be home in about an hour-- would I be there? I asked if he was sober, and he said yes- so I said I'd be here. He didn't come home all night. I resigned myself to the fact that he might be dead by morning. Terrible thing to come to grips with.
I also resolved not to call him. If he was going off on a drinking binge, I'd rather he not be home-- don't want to be around him when he's drunk.
It seems to me that the best thing I can do at this point is to approach this as a spiritual lesson for me to learn-- what spiritual discipline can I fashion from this experience? The answer, for now, is to use this as an opportunity to learn how to detach, to let go of anger that would eventually consume me. I simply cannot go through life in a state of rage. I need to learn how to 'surf' these waves, and not let someone else's emotional chaos turn my life into turmoil-- how to not get my buttons pushed. It's a hard lesson- and I will be learning it again and again, I think, until something clicks.
So, on to resuming the fast, and taking care of myself.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Twists and Turns
Life really has been a labyrinth walk this past week. JD is drinking again (and hiding it-- or so he thinks) which resulted in a huge argument-- I think we both said things we didn't really mean-- or did we? I must say, I am ambivalent sometimes about keeping this marriage together. Sometimes it seems it would be best to call it quits; other times I recall taking vows 'for better or for worse'- and wonder how bad 'worse' has to get?
All this makes staying on program difficult, but I must break my habit of turning to food when stressed. One cookie is too many, and a dozen are not enough!
On the plus side, friends are beginning to notice the weight loss, and that's really gratifying. I can see small changes- I have more room in most of my clothes, my watch is not so tight, etc. It will take another 10 lbs or so before it is really evident, I think.
I have a business trip coming up right after Thanksgiving, and will need some clothes, but will wait until the week before to buy anything-- and hope that I can find something!
All this makes staying on program difficult, but I must break my habit of turning to food when stressed. One cookie is too many, and a dozen are not enough!
On the plus side, friends are beginning to notice the weight loss, and that's really gratifying. I can see small changes- I have more room in most of my clothes, my watch is not so tight, etc. It will take another 10 lbs or so before it is really evident, I think.
I have a business trip coming up right after Thanksgiving, and will need some clothes, but will wait until the week before to buy anything-- and hope that I can find something!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Another turn on the labyrinth path
This is week 6, and my weight loss now totals 25 pounds! I had hoped for a bit more by now, but given that I cannot exercise much yet, am happy for this mini-goal!
It is helpful for me to keep the labyrinth image in mind as I continue this journey. Just as I know that staying on the path on the labyrinth will always lead me to the center, even if it turns away from the center at times, I know that staying on the program path will lead me to my goal, even if I cannot see that goal all the time.
It is helpful for me to keep the labyrinth image in mind as I continue this journey. Just as I know that staying on the path on the labyrinth will always lead me to the center, even if it turns away from the center at times, I know that staying on the program path will lead me to my goal, even if I cannot see that goal all the time.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Slowly walking the path
This is week 4, another 3 pound weight loss! I'm calling this post 'slowly walking' because that is literally what I'm doing. Just as soon as I got my left knee rehabbed, I developed plantar fasciitis in my right foot! Getting out of bed in the morning is pure torture- then it gets better, then it gets worse again. Sigh-- going to physical therapy now twice a week, getting custom made orthotics and a splint to wear at night. There goes my walking program!
Perhaps this is the push I need to to joing the Y or a gym, and start working with a trainer. No reason I couldn't do strength training or an exercise bike until the heel gets better.
Today is my birthday- no celebrating going on here! No special dinner (well, a soft cooked egg instead of a diet shake!). I've been on this path before, and managed to have a huge 50th celebration while maintaining my liquid diet. Food will still be around next year. Of course, it's easier to do without the food when there are other celebratory things going on, but that doesn't seem to be the case this year. Seems the special day has been forgotten by nearly everyone but me.
Perhaps this is the push I need to to joing the Y or a gym, and start working with a trainer. No reason I couldn't do strength training or an exercise bike until the heel gets better.
Today is my birthday- no celebrating going on here! No special dinner (well, a soft cooked egg instead of a diet shake!). I've been on this path before, and managed to have a huge 50th celebration while maintaining my liquid diet. Food will still be around next year. Of course, it's easier to do without the food when there are other celebratory things going on, but that doesn't seem to be the case this year. Seems the special day has been forgotten by nearly everyone but me.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Making Progress
After a disappointing week where I actually GAINED a pound, I am back on track, and was rewarded for my efforts with a 3.4 pound weight loss this week. I am using very lean protein in addition to my liquid shakes (like roast chicken or hard cooked eggs). That seems to satisfy my need for something 'savory' rather than the all-sweet flavors of the meal replacement formula.
I'm feeling frustrated with not being able to exercise much. After finally getting my knee back in shape, it seems I now have plantar fasciitis, and walking is very painful. Because the recovery for this can be long and slow, I will need to come up with another exercise option, so it looks like joining a gym is in order, so I can use exercise bikes and other equipment. I had hoped to put off joining a gym or the Y until I had more weight off, but it seems the universe has another plan.
So far, I am down nearly 14 pounds since beginning the program. I can see small differences already- my watchband is not as tight as it was three weeks ago, and my ankles are not as swollen. My pants fit a bit better (they were pretty snug to start with). I know that more changes are coming!
I'm feeling frustrated with not being able to exercise much. After finally getting my knee back in shape, it seems I now have plantar fasciitis, and walking is very painful. Because the recovery for this can be long and slow, I will need to come up with another exercise option, so it looks like joining a gym is in order, so I can use exercise bikes and other equipment. I had hoped to put off joining a gym or the Y until I had more weight off, but it seems the universe has another plan.
So far, I am down nearly 14 pounds since beginning the program. I can see small differences already- my watchband is not as tight as it was three weeks ago, and my ankles are not as swollen. My pants fit a bit better (they were pretty snug to start with). I know that more changes are coming!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
First clinic visit and weigh in
Today was the first weigh in since starting the program. I am down 11.9 pounds since the 6th. I know a lot of it is water weight, but still was very gratifying to see the numbers change so rapidly!
I did fairly well this first week, even with the temptations of all the food at the hospital all week. I didn't get much exercise, other than walking from end of the ER to the other all day!
Not being able to carry any liquids past the security point at the airport is making it tougher- as you cannot always plan for delayed flights, etc. I drank an extra Optifast before clearing security, and then my flight was delayed nearly an hour-- so I really should have waited a bit longer before having that serving, so it would have sustained me longer. As it was, I was really, really hungry by the time I landed and retrieved my baggage. Good thing I had some Opti right on top-- and it was fairly cold!
I did fairly well this first week, even with the temptations of all the food at the hospital all week. I didn't get much exercise, other than walking from end of the ER to the other all day!
Not being able to carry any liquids past the security point at the airport is making it tougher- as you cannot always plan for delayed flights, etc. I drank an extra Optifast before clearing security, and then my flight was delayed nearly an hour-- so I really should have waited a bit longer before having that serving, so it would have sustained me longer. As it was, I was really, really hungry by the time I landed and retrieved my baggage. Good thing I had some Opti right on top-- and it was fairly cold!
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